I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
