So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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