bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i think i have herpe
just one?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
