Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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