I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just gift wrapped bread.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
