Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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