I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
