I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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