By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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