I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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