well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
