but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
