Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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