I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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