...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
