I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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