oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
