I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
