Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
