True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
