U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize