I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
