Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
