need another drink. this is the easiest way
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
