I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
