This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
