she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
