you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
