last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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