i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
