Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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