I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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