I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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