U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
