What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
