I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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