sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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