either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
