A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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