so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
