So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
