Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
