We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
