He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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