I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
