i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize