I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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