Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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