i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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