he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
