Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
