My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
