thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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