dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
