ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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