how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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