He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
