finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
