my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
