Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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