i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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