dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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