i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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